I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
