tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
