Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
