Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
