u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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