Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
