i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Girls should come with a carfax report
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
