2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
