Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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