do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
