whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
