yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
