The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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