We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
