Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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