The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
