your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I can text with my tongue
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
