i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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