I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
