I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
