How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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