Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
