Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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