I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sext me about skeletons
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
