my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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