she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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