I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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