im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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