the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
