I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
