Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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