I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
