do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
