my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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