Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
