Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
