just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
