i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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