I can't watch pbs sober anymore
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
