My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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