i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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