Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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