I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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