Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
