I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
