the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
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