I cannot find my penis.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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