I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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