i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
