but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
