I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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