Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
