I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Is Oprah even human
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
