I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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