I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
