Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
