I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
