Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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