i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
and she was petting her beer can
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
