Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
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I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
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pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
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I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen