it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Did I show you my penis last night?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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