I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens