Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
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Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
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It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.