How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.