Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
