Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You don't know the capacity of my vagina