Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?