Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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