Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
