i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
